HEAL AND MOVE ON.
You may have been in a relationship that seemed like it was the best thing that had happened to you, but how did it end? Probably, you met at the bank, at the church, at the market or at school. Got along pretty well, exchanged contacts, called the next day, visited a few days after, fell into love afterwards and the rest was history.
When breakups happen, they pose several cases of mental unrest to victims. Ejiro, an under graduate talks about her painful breakup experience:
“I feel so down. I cry all the time. I did everything to make it work, invested my emotions, my time and resources. He said He loved me and He cared about me too. But six months into our relationship, his interest started waning. He didn’t care about me anymore neither did He tell me what the matter was too. We have had a fight a few times just like every other partner do, but it wasn’t as serious to cause a breakup. He broke up with me two days ago and I feel really terrible”
According a research paper published by Research gate, Breakups precipitate into heart breaks, grief, depression, unrest, suicidal thoughts and insomnia―a sleeping disorder that lead to inability to sleep. In severe cases, it can lead to certain psychological disorders and even immune dysfunction. So, the impacts of Heartbreaks on young people are not only psychological but also biological. This is why it cannot be downplayed at all.
I agree with you that Breakups can be tough and letting go of your ex after a painful breakup is one of the hardest things in the healing process. In most cases, there is no way to control how and when “Breakfast is usually served” [one of Nigeria’s comic way of expressing ‘breakups’], but in this article, I saddled myself with the responsibility to show you practical ways that you can apply to get over heart breaks no matter how deep the emotional entanglement has transformed.
1. 1. Accept
the Reality that it happened and allow yourself to Grieve:
Often times when breakups happen, victims are so carried away by the good memories they once had with their partner that they have doubts as to whether or not it really happened. Onome says: “I can’t believe it yet. I think I am dreaming and I hope to wake up soon.” Well, she really did woke up, but unto the reality that it was indeed for real.
The first step to dealing with breakups is to acknowledge what has been placed before you. Acknowledge that although painful, they are not going to come back. Accept that although painful, there is little or nothing you can do but to keep moving regardless. It is also okay to feel bad, sad, terrible and other emotions associated with the end of relationships. Studies have shown that we alleviate our emotional burdens when we cry. Ignoring your feelings can delay healing and keep you stuck in a state of pain, so it’s okay to cry.
2. Take complete and utter Accountability:
Because relationships are a two-way thing, majority of the times when breakups happen, both partners may have had a role to play in its cause. Where a lot of people get it wrong is that they start googling how their ex is such a narcissist and how they are such a victim that they end up over-identifying as a victim.
When you over-identify as a victim, you become too concerned about how you were treated so badly, how you were used and abused. That’s going to make you become more broken and making it much more difficult to heal.
I understand that in some cases, we have terrible partners, but rather than over-identify as a victim, take utter accountability. Even if it wasn’t, it is best to say things like:
“This was entirely my fault because I probably accepted unacceptable behavior or I probably ignored obvious red flags or I probably knew that I may not be able to manage this part of this person’s personality and I still went forward.”
So when you make it entirely your fault or at least a part of the problem, you take responsibility and naturally, the next question that would follow is ‘how do I prevent it from happening in the future’ or ‘I am going to prevent it from doing X, Y and Z’. That way, your new focus is now yourself, not your ex and the breakup.
I understand that breakups especially unexpected ones can be particularly painful. But one of the mistakes people make is to exhibit needy behavior before their exes. Often times when breakups occur, they probably happened weigh long before it manifested. In most cases, you were too busy, perhaps too inattentive to discern signs, symptoms and when your partner lost connection with you.
The best thing you can do
for yourself when they finally spill it is to cut all ties and move back rather
than beg for a second chance. You will worsen or prolong your distress when
they reject you continuously. They definitely will, trust me. When that
happens, you will feel more miserable. Psychology says that we push people even
further away from us when we exhibit needy behavior before them.
4. 4. Do not seek for closure:
Because men and women naturally crave for attention, often times, we go crazy when we lose it from our ex who literally was the best thing that had happened to us. As a result, we are tempted to seek closure from not just friends and family, but the desire to fill that vacuum so soon with another partner and it often do not end well.
Resist the urge to get
romantically involved with besties when you are yet to heal emotionally. What
happens is that your past trauma will make you to be too focused on your new found
love’s shortcomings as compared to your ex. It will make you become more hurt,
bitter, resentful and ultimately prolong your healing when the excitement stage
has faded away with your new love.
5. 5. Focus on yourself and pursue your interests:
When you are heartbroken,
one of the best things you can do for yourself is to convert the energy of
disappointments into passion. Shift the focus to yourself, genuinely and passionately
pursue your goals and interests. Make friends, have fun and do the things you
like. Remember, the goal is to make yourself feel better not to make your ex
feel bitter. Remember that the goal is to convert your pain to gain, not your
ex to drain.
It is often said that we get wisdom in two major ways―by our experiences and that of other people. When relationships end, letting people go can be challenging, healing from the trauma can be challenging too. But when you finally heal, reflect on the cycle that you overcame, become wiser enough to identify your mistakes and the things you could have done better in your previous relationship. Set your new standards, hold fast to them and look deeper, this time more objectively before you enter another relationship with anyone.
I hope it helps.
Also read How to avoid Breakups.
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